Crossroads
I'm in a pickle. Which is nothing terribly new, but it's a pickle which has forced me to confront some rather daunting aspects of my desired career as well as forced me to make some preliminary evaluations on my own self-worth. I'm not good at self-evaluation. It's one of the reasons a person becomes an actor, I think, they need others to validate their worth. Being raised in an environment where you're never really lauded for your accomplishments tends to deaden one's ability to objectively give oneself credit for one's merits. At the same time, what little I've learned about being an actor to this point has taught me that one risks much the minute they start considering themselves "above" anything. You take the gigs you're offered, if one gig is better than the other, you take the better one, simple as that. But recent events have made me question what constitutes the 'better' gig and where, exactly, my so-called talent-level lies in the larger sense of the theatre "community". There are echelons in the theatre industry just like any other industry and, to a certain extent, it is somewhat important that one recognizes where they stand in those echelons so that they know just how far they have to go in order to reach the heights they desire. Problem is, in this industry, it seems like things are constantly in flux. So much rides on who you know, on people knowing, liking, and trusting your work to the point where they'll get you work later. This lends credence to the idea of "work wherever you can, with whomever you can" since you never know just where those people might end up. But, at the same time, when you're just trying to scrape by and line up gigs, you can't get caught up in what might be best for you five or ten years down the line, you have to do what's best for you here and now. It's a paradox that I'm sure isn't exclusive to the theatre, but it's within the context of theatre that I'm facing it right now.
I think maybe it's more useful to not look at it within the context of "Am I above X?" and look at it more in terms of "Will X aid me in accomplishing my career goals?" In that sense, if X is your only prospect, then the answer would be "Yes." But if you have X and Y, then the question becomes "Will X aid me in accomplishing my career goals more than Y?" And that's where things get trickier. Because that's where this paradox comes into play. You look at each project and decide their worth in terms of the people working on them, the merit of the script, the notoriety of the producing company etc... Again, though, it's ludicrous to hinge your decision on the idea that Director X will be somewhere far beyond Director Y in ten years. There's no way for you to know that. So, in the end, you just have to do what's best for you at that moment while still considering just how much it will help your resume in the process. The "intangibles" are just that, intangible, and since you can't measure them, since your entire evaluation of them is nothing more than masturbatory guess-work, there's little merit to the conclusions you would draw from them. But it doesn't keep us from doing it, now does it?
This whole thing may be a non-issue. I may be in no pickle at all. I might not even be in a cucumber. Only time will tell. But, until then, things are needlessly complicated and I just hope they turn out for the best.
I think maybe it's more useful to not look at it within the context of "Am I above X?" and look at it more in terms of "Will X aid me in accomplishing my career goals?" In that sense, if X is your only prospect, then the answer would be "Yes." But if you have X and Y, then the question becomes "Will X aid me in accomplishing my career goals more than Y?" And that's where things get trickier. Because that's where this paradox comes into play. You look at each project and decide their worth in terms of the people working on them, the merit of the script, the notoriety of the producing company etc... Again, though, it's ludicrous to hinge your decision on the idea that Director X will be somewhere far beyond Director Y in ten years. There's no way for you to know that. So, in the end, you just have to do what's best for you at that moment while still considering just how much it will help your resume in the process. The "intangibles" are just that, intangible, and since you can't measure them, since your entire evaluation of them is nothing more than masturbatory guess-work, there's little merit to the conclusions you would draw from them. But it doesn't keep us from doing it, now does it?
This whole thing may be a non-issue. I may be in no pickle at all. I might not even be in a cucumber. Only time will tell. But, until then, things are needlessly complicated and I just hope they turn out for the best.

